Find Your Happy

I spent a lot of years pondering the reason I was fat and why I abused food.  I blamed my alcoholic father, my dieting obsessed mother, the kids who teased me in school, the boy who broke my heart, and the list could go on and on and on.  Today, if I let myself, I could make excuses every time I don't eat enough protein, have an extra peanut butter cup, or miss my vitamins.

I always thought that if I figured out the "why", I could fix it.  I now know that the "why" doesn't matter. Once I gave myself permission to not worry about the "why" things started to click.  I abuse food.  I have to change that no matter why I do it.  I am fat. I have to change that no matter why I am.  Sure, I may have learned to binge to cope with problems or reward myself with food from my mother but at some point, I became an adult and I am now responsible for my own actions.

I also thought that if I could just reach my goal weight, I would be happy.  You can choose to be happy now.  If you're waiting for permission, you have mine. It's ok to be happy.

I've mentioned peanut butter cups a lot on this blog already and there is a reason for it.  My wellness coach helped me see that it's important to find out what makes you happy.  For him, an Olive burger from Smashburger does it for him.  For me, it's peanut butter cups. We don't eat them every day but occassionally, we do.  They make us happy.

Playing with my kids and taking them to events make me happy.  At 400 pounds you don't do much but sit on sidelines and watch life pass you by.  Having that kind of life did not make me happy.

I've learned that taking a walk around the block really helps me clear my mind and regain focus.  I don't go for a walk to exercise.  Exercise is just a benefit.  Walking makes me happy.

I've learned I love date night with my husband.  I no longer dread that energy it takes to get ready and be out in public.  My husband makes me happy.

I've learned that wearing make up and jewelry make me happy.  I wear it often as I don't feel happy without it.  It reminds me of my past when I didn't have the energy or the desire to pamper myself. Don't mistake this for it makes me feel pretty. I am pretty with or without make up and jewelry. :) Pampering myself makes me happy.

I've learned I love to make jewelry.  I took a class and plan to make more.  Being creative makes me happy.

I've learned that I love doing volunteer work.  Helping others makes me happy.

This winter I am going to go sledding with my son and rather than sit and watch from the car or stay home while his dad takes him, I'm going to go sledding down the hill with him.  If I break my leg, I won't be happy but I'll be creating memories that will make us happy for a lifetime.

I used to think that all food and great quantities of food would make me happy. It would fill the void of whatever was happening in the moment. Unfortunately, it hindered the happy in the future.

Figure out your happy.  You can be happy now no matter what weight you are or where you're at in this journey.  I can honestly say that if I never lose another pound, I am happy and love myself and my life. See, that's why this is working.  I wasn't fixing the right problem, and created another one in it's place.
Bottom line, eat less and move more.  If you need help, get it.  You have to put yourself first before you can do for others. You are worth it, you deserve it and you deserve to be happy.

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This Is My Story

My name is Mary and my alter-ego is Poochy.  I would like to say I was born fat but I left my mother's womb at a normal 7 pounds 6 ounces.  I didn't start to see an issue with my weight until I was about 4 or 5 years old.  I could safely say that I was one of the fattest girls in my class throughout grade and high school notwithstanding that little bout at the beginning of 7th grade when I'd lost weight over the summer.  It's funny how I knew the secret to weight loss back then and and still thirty some years later like to fight it. Eat less and move more. How boring, right?

I've tried a ton of diets even at a young age.  I think my first Weight Watchers meeting was around 10 years old and then there was TOPS and when Jane Fonda had me making it burn, I was busy analyzing if taking laxatives to lose weight was really that dangerous.

I have spent tons of money on diet products from hypnotists, Deal a Meal, books....OMG do I have books!  I never did diet pills much maybe once or twice and I never had my jaw wired shut because when I was researching that, I realized that I, too, could suck raw cookie dough through a straw if I really wanted to.

I'm now on this new weight loss surgery kick.  I had the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) in October of 2011 weighing in at 431.2 pounds and I'm down roughly 150 pounds.  It's by far twice the most weight I've ever lost.  I'm in the 2nd year with my opportunity to lose closing in and I need to make sure that I don't lose my focus.  You know that phrase I wrote above... Eat less and move more.

Some days I do really good and others well, I'm normal.  I like my Reese Peanut Butter Cups just like some of you do.  I definitely move more but I'm not a gym rat.  I am fortunate to have a wellness trainer where I work and he's so proud of me, he asked me to shoot a video for their website.  He's also the one that told me to buy the little black dress and to not give a damn what other's may think. Wow was he right!  I never had so much attention.  I felt like a million bucks.   I often tell him that I wish he was that little guy on my right shoulder shouting these things to me every time my inner-voice keeps trying to tell me the opposite.

The Little Black Dress
279 pounds December 2012
152 pounds lost. 

My goal weight is between 140 and 150 pounds but I really try to not concentrate on the number on the scale, there's so much more important things like Reese Peanut Butter Cups  living life and doing what makes you happy.  It really is important.  I've spent so many years trying to figure out what made me fat that I could write about it for the next 50 years or so.  If only I had concentrated on what truly makes me happy and then doing it.  I encourage you to do the same.  Dig down deep and find your happy.  I promise it will make your journey so much easier.

I should admit my downfalls... let's see you know about the Peanut Butter cups and no, I do not like them with my eggs.  Catsup or Ketchup is for eggs. I suffer from Squirrel Syndrome - dogs playing frisbee sees a squirrel and runs... that's me. It is also known as "something shiny syndrome"  I will try to stay on topic but I can't make any promises.  Especially, if Shameless is on Showtime or Jax does something on Son's of Anarchy, or I must rant or rave about The Biggest Loser.

I have a family.  A super, great family.  I am on my second and last marriage for the last 4 years.  He would have been my first, but he wasn't old enough.  That officially makes me a cougar. He brought to the marriage two wonderful children I have the pleasure of helping raise.  We are a normal family that fights one minute and loves the next.  My husband has a few television obsessions as well.  The Food Network being one. I fondly refer to it as Food Porn and the second, being Dr. Phil.  I haven't nicknamed this obsession yet, because I can't gauge how long it will last...

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I Once Weighed Over 400 Pounds

431.2 pounds to be exact.  To put it very simple, my life sucked.  To be serious, I was lucky to be alive.  I was lucky diabetes and high blood pressure hadn't attacked my body.  I was living on borrowed time and what a miserable life it was.  

I remember when the scale first read over 300 pounds, I brushed it off and thought, "no worries, you don't look like you weigh 300 pounds." Really? Who was I kidding.  

My weight had taken over my entire life.  Simple tasks were now painful ones.  

Going to work and getting to my desk was a daily fear I had every day.  Terrible thoughts raced through my mind as I would go to work.  "What if the elevator is down and I have to climb the stairs?" "Where can I sit and rest after walking the parking lot before getting on the elevator?"  The elevator that I had made a habit had now become a necessity.  

Going to family functions became a dreadful event.  I would often ask myself, "Where will I sit, Will the chair be big enough?"  "What will so and so say this time about my weight?"

Spending time with my kids became quality time on the couch in front of the television or playing  Wii sitting down.  

My errands became my husbands' errands as I could no longer walk up and down grocery aisles or go to the post office because it was just too hard.  

I began to distance myself from anyone including family.  Had it not been for needing an income, I would have been bedridden sooner than later.  A fear, I started to have daily.  

I can't tell you what made me finally take that step and have weight loss surgery.  Maybe it was the fact that choosing to have surgery was too painful because it meant admitting I couldn't do it on my own or worse yet, admitting I had a problem.  

When I  reached 300 on the way back down, my thoughts were different.  They were more healthy.  Is 300 pounds an acceptable weight? No, not for me.  However, I can live like I weigh 150 pounds.  

The difference in thinking is this, if you choose to ignore the problem, you're not facing it.  If you accept it, but keep moving on in a more positive direction, it will eventually fade.  

Thank you for reading, I'll post more on my past life at over 400 pounds and the new life I've found once I took control. 

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